To vibrate or not to vibrate

In the beginning of the year I remember coming on here and complaining of how people had all these new year resolutions such as, saving more and getting that summer-body on. I complained because I am scum and cannot get over my inbred laziness and lose weight and as such I vent all of that on you my loyal, unfailing, supportive friends. Well, I am quite thankful for my laziness because I, unlike my ‘weight-loss-crazed’ friends have been coping pretty well in this nippy Nairobi weather. Sweaters? Jackets? Blazers? What are those? I am rather finely insulated. So, my friends, what say ye? Let us be insulated together. Look at me extending an olive branch to you focused human beings looking amazing on social media. Is it an olive branch? I don’t really think I am allowed to call it that, so let’s just call it a leaf, no specification, not a branch, just a leaf, I am extending a leaf to you focused human beings.
I am of the belief that since you are already this deep into the post you have already seen the title and you are aware that I am about to dive into some serious ringtone conversation. We are going on a journey, to interpret the sounds gathered by the aural senses and analyzing them critically, because, what else would you be doing on the internet apart from this, joint venture of ours? So, dearly beloved, shall we…
There’s a certain English saying that goes something like…maketh the man. I have no idea what the first part is, bear with my laziness. So, I have decided to make it, The Ringtone Maketh The Man. I am more of a vibration kind of guy. No melodic tune, just plain old vibration. Trust you me, if I am seated next to you in a matatu, there is a bucket-load of vibration coming your way. If you have ever used one of those kabambe phones you will bear me witness when I say, those little, affordable devices are the M.V.P of vibration. The vibration is so intense you fear for your limbs. Okay, that’s a bit exaggerated but you do get my point don’t you? I can never say I missed your call because I didn’t hear the phone ring. I felt everything down to the last fiber of my being. My own heart beat to the rhythm of my phone’s vibration.
There are people who love melody on their phones. Yes, this is me taking shots at you iOS people. These human beings will never give you peace. You have to hear their phones ring just because. I had decided that I was going to download that ringtone on my android phone and join the clique, I mean, if you can’t beat them join them, right? But then, I thought to myself, was I not betraying the vibrate code? The code that states that, ‘never under any circumstance should you use a melodic tune on your phone’. At that moment, I had discovered my purpose in life. My one true reason for having an existence on this planet; on this little corner of the internet which I assume you people come to regularly because you have exhausted your minds looking through sensible articles, life changing columns and other Nobel-prize deserving objects of the internet. My purpose is to uphold the cause of the Phone Vibration and tear to shreds anyone who dares stand in my path. I have been watching too much TV as you can see.
Here’s my problem with melody, it is irritating. It just doesn’t know when to stop. If melody were a human, then it would be that one person at school who people tolerate because, well, I have no idea why they tolerate them, but, they still are tolerated. Recently, I was in a matatu, having a good time judging my fellow passengers when a phone rang. The ringtone was exactly like mine (I think I should come clean; I have broken the vibrate code severally, no one is perfect, we all have our demons). So, there I was, looking for my phone in my pockets, in my bag, all over really. Panic had my face all swollen (or maybe it was just the accumulation of fat), and beads of sweat were trickling down my forehead, my neck and back. My mind was on overdrive, thinking how I had misplaced my phone, how I had just increased the risk of becoming a victim of phone-napping (it’s a real thing in my head, if you want to know more email me). I thought of all the pictures I had on there (which may or may not have included tasteless pictures of my natural form a.k.a sans les vetements #ThankHeavensForRandomEuropeanLanguagesSpokenInAfricaBecauseOfColonisation). Just as I was about to go into full mental breakdown mode, guess what I hear? A lady seated right behind me saying, “Hello”. For those who do not know, ‘hello’ is what you say when you receive a phone call. This lady made me think of all these random things just because we shared a ringtone. Was this my punishment for breaking the code? Was this the payback I got after all my service to the cause?
 It has happened to me on several occasions, I get haunted by ringtones from my past. Ringtones I had on phones that now lay broken, abandoned or worse, phone-napped. I may be crossing the street minding my own business when out of the blue, the spirits of those long gone come back and try making contact with me. However, a great man who I never met, once said; ‘every great cause comes with a great burden’.  This is mine in the line of vibration protection and being the man of great honor that I am, I am willing to accept it.
Okay, this is now getting out of hand, I feel like I am writing a script for a cheap movie with horrible actors and bound to get the worst reviews of all time on Rotten Tomatoes. To save this already sunk, submerged, on-the-sea-bed-covered-with-coralreef-now-a-fish-dwelling ship, lets skip right to the food section: ladies and gents, another one of those meals with no names, just ingredients I put together to look good here.

 Going by the nomenclature system you and I developed over the past few posts, I think I will call it; Fruit bowl with yoghurt and nuts, omelette and toast, or we can get fancy; Bol des fruits avec du yaourt, d’omelette et du pain. 

Ingredients
For the fruits;
½ mango (diced)
1 banana
½ pawpaw
½ cups of vanilla yoghurt
Nuts (whichever you prefer) and molten chocolate
Mix your fruits in a bowl, add the yogurt, throw on the nuts and drizzle the chocolate to complete, et voila!

Omelette
1 egg
1 tomato (mid-size)
1 onion (mid-size)
Salt to taste and any other spices you wish to add on.
Beat your egg and add in finely chopped onions and thin sliced tomatoes, fry on either side until well done, avoid burning the egg. Use a non-stick pan. Toast your bread however you like it and bon appetit!

Thank you for reading through, please share, kindly look through my previous posts as well.
Asante sana, kwaheri