Body parts and Caramel

Let us all agree on one thing dearly beloved, body parts are the worst! They say, experience is the best teacher, I am not sure I know who 'they' are, but, I recently got a dose of good ol' experience. Body parts; you know that feeling when, you are just about to sneeze, I mean, you are literally on the verge of getting some nostril action (well technically, it's more of mouth action, but, no that's just disturbing), when for no apparent reason, your nostrils decide 'no, let me calm down instead, maybe even practise some meditation'. At that point ladies and gents, at that point, you seriously appreciate a good sneeze. I even go to the extent of looking for dust to get up in there just for sweet release. If that is not enough, picture this, you are at a requiem mass, some relative to the deceased is up there saying how mwenda zake was a nice chap, then, you remember that prank you pulled on your class prefect in highschool (which was eons ago), you start finding every little thing completely hilarious and you struggle with your laughter, heck, even breathing becomes funny. Sweat starts trickling from every pore on your skin and within minutes you are drenched and having difficulty breathing. At that moment, laughter, sense of humour, anything associated with joy becomes cursed. You loathe yourself and your brain for switching the cards in your head and making you look like this sadist because no matter how hard you try you end up laughing.
Recently, it being Easter and all, I went for evening mass for one of the vigils. Before I'd left for Church though, I had gone to the washroom and tried a little activity but nothing happened, talk about a shy alimentary canal. (The end part that is. Why am I going to all this trouble for the sake of euphemism?) So, there I am, all Catholic and religious and stuff. The mass starts, we get to the bible part. Slight abdominal discomfort, nothing too fancy, just slightly uncomfortable. Minutes later I am in full bloating mode! All that gas constrained in the gastric region, seeking release. Cue the rumbling. In my twenty years of existence, I have sat next to people with rumbling stomachs and each time, I get all judgemental and question their life choices. This time, I was on the receiving end. As the minutes went by, my stomach became louder. It got so intense that the whole bench I was on would shake as the gases collided. Mass goes for roughly two hours right? Well, this one went for a solid FOUR, from 7pm to 11pm. While other faithful were participating in worship, my mind was on a trip, my body was sweaty, my stomach was the size of a six month pregnancy and I was extremely self conscious.
The longest four hours of my life. I couldn't bring myself to get up and walk out because (a) I was in the middle of the bench with hefty humans on either side (b) I didn't want people timing my stay in the loos (c) I really don't like taking dumps in public toilets (d) I couldn't trust myself to walk to the end of the bench without farting on an unlucky individual's face (notice the use of 'individual', that is pure educated speech). Did I make it through to the end of mass? Did I break wind? (I've always wanted to use that). Am I writing this with a glass of warm water in hand while watching CNN Health? Stick around maybe you'll know.
Speaking of alimentary canals and bloating, here's a little something that won't get you all gassed up; Coconut Rice with fried vegetables, potatoes, sausages and pork brawn in Caramel sauce. If you don't take pork, have no fear, beef sausages, chicken sausages and even beef brawn are real things, local supermarkets stock them, so do what you've got to do.

Ingredients
1 cup rice
1\2 (half) cup of coconut milk
2 and a half cups of water
5 carrots
2  bulb onions
4 spring onions
2 tomatoes
2 sausages
4 potatoes
4 slices of brawn
5 tablespoons of Caramel Sauce
Salt and spices

Method
In a sufuria put your cup of rice, two and a half cups of water and coconut milk. Boil till well done. Fry your sausages and potatoes. Warm your brawn. Once done, put aside. In a different sufuria, fry your tomatoes, onions and carrots till juicy. Throw in your sausages and potatoes and mix these together. Add your brawn and drizzle your caramel sauce. Cover and let it simmer for 3-5 minutes. Stir to avoid burning. Season as desired. Once satisfied with the seasoning, cover again and let the seasoning soak into the food. Once done, serve but before you eat take pictures. Enjoy.

Thank you for reading and sharing.

See you soon dearly beloved.
Au revoir!