Lucy and Kevo

I recently began (and as at Friday August 18, 2017 01:23, completed) watching five episodes of Season 1 of the series going by the name, Lucifer. So, children, wanna hear what it’s all about? So, there’s this guy, he’s the devil, right, he comes to earth on ‘vacation’ and leaves hell without a chief punisher. Hollywood being, well, Hollywood, decided to make our good man here, a punisher on earth. He busts crime with a hot mama with a smashing jaw line and who had at one point in her life appeared in an R-rated movie (at least that’s what I gathered) that involved her taking her top off exposing what they termed as a rather formidable pair of knockers. Now, that was not the highlight of the whole thing, at least for me it wasn’t, the highlight was this: the devil has a brother, I mean all angels are practically brothers, notice the lack of gender equality there, all-male angel choirs, #CueTheFeminists. The brother comes to earth regularly not because he loves the humans sana, no, he actually comes to earth to remind his brother, Lucifer that his job is in hell and he should go back there lest he interferes with the balance of nature etc. etc. Get this, he refers to Lucifer as LUCY. Yes, Lucy, like that girl who sat in front of you in class and smelled of Lady Gay or Fair and Lovely (probably her mother’s). Lucy, like that girl in church you’ve been eyeing but can’t quite seem to get a chance to talk to since she is always under her mother’s skirts and doesn’t seem too eager to get out from under there soon. Lucy, like Teacher Lucy, whose punishments in Class 4 Science were the worst: biro pens between your Index, Middle, Ring and Pinky fingers which she would press against each other leaving you with limp fingers, limp fingers with which you will have to write a 400 word composition due at 1300 hours yet it is 12:45 pm, could a day get any better? Lucy, like your pet cat, who got a boyfriend and eloped, probably to the neighbours’ place where they eat beef and pork (all in one sitting) for breakfast. She probably choked on a bone during one of those hearty breakfasts, serves her right. How could she just up and leave like you meant nothing to her? All for what, beef and pork in the morning? That is nothing but cholesterol but her greed led her to following a cat, whose balls hang between his hind feet, to the land of red meat and obesity. Talk of deathly balls.
Watching Lucifer has been a turning point in my life. I rarely find myself seated in a group whose topics of discussion revolve around food, rom-coms and allergies (my preferred topics of discussion.) Normal conversation revolves around movies, series, who slept with who, what club has the worst bouncers, which alcoholic beverage tastes like urine with sea salt, yes, ammonia with sea salt, it’s a thing. It suffices to say, I know a lot about who slept with who and clubs with bouncers who season their ammonia. The movies and series thing though, completely out of my field. I am not much of a T.V guy. I am more of an internet connoisseur. I am talking the Googles, Twitters and Instagrams of this world. I spend almost three quarters of my day looking through memes and reading pathetic poetry and feeling like a complete success. The other quarter finds me sleeping, napping, catching 40 winks, hitting the hay, catching some shut eye, however you want to term that action. So you can understand my excitement at having sat through several hours of; eyes to the screen, looking at this white man with a British accent take copious amounts of alcohol, sleeping with his therapist and desiring this mama with a jawline and a splendid pair, all in the name of being Lucifer the devil and seeking to punish people on earth. Oh also, this jawline mama doesn’t give into the British man’s charms and sexual arousals (sorry I couldn’t find a better word) because, she apparently doesn’t believe in hell. I swear, the writers of this material have a mind and a half (that is such a Kenyan way of saying things. Walai Kevo anakuwanga mjanjez kuruka, uyo jamaa ako na akili na nusu.) Come to think of it, what does this ‘nusu’ brain do? Like, maybe it is responsible for movements. When his ‘full’ brain is all about scheming and being ‘mjanja’, his ‘nusu’ brain is there barely surviving, trying to put one foot in front of the other to come up with a movement you and I single-brained individuals would refer to as walking. Maybe, Kevo the great has discovered the secret to unlocking the woman’s brain. He has finally managed to crack what she means when she says, “I’m fine” through tears when you ask her what is wrong. Maybe she just bit her lip, or her tongue, you think. But no, it happens to be that Alejandro (the go-to name for when men want to ostracize women for their love of Mexican soapies) is a whole lot more romantic than you are and quite obviously, easier on the eyes than you are and she is crying as she laments to Dad aka GOD for putting her with you, a miscreant who doesn’t even… you know what? (She says) forget it, it’s no use getting worked up for nothing, sigh. That, my good readers, that is what Kevo carries in his .5 (half) brain. Actually, come to think of it, where does Kevo store this extra brain of his? I mean, his head size is pretty average if you ask me.
Enough chauvinism for today. How about some food? Settle down kids, settle down. Oven Baked Arrow Roots (nduma) with Onion Rings and Tomato + Peanut Butter Dip.

Ingredients
For the arrow roots
2 large arrow roots, skinned
Juice from one full lemon
Chili powder
Salt
Other spices you may desire, for seasoning
For the onion rings
1 large onion
¼ cup all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 egg
½ cups of milk or as needed
Bread crumbs (enough)
For the Tomato + Peanut Butter dip
1 tomato
2 table spoons tomato paste
2 tablespoons peanut butter
2.5 ml white vinegar
¼ chopped onions
Water (enough)

Method
Arrow roots;

It would be best to boil the arrow roots first before baking them. Once boiled and cool, cut them up lengthwise like you would cut up potatoes for fries. In a bowl, put these cut up arrow roots and add in the chili powder and salt to taste. Add your other spices at this point too. I used Parsley and Oregano leaves. Pour in the lemon juice and rub all these in. Make sure all these are rubbed in together well. Grease a shallow baking pan and place the arrow roots in, leaving a little space between each piece. Bake for 20 minutes at 180-200 degrees Celsius.
Onion rings.

For the longest time, I have been looking for an easy onion rings recipe, so you can imagine my delight when I found one which I was able to tweak a bit to fit this. Here goes: cut up the onions into average sized rings. Do not worry when some of the rings break and leave you with what looks like curled onions. In a bowl mix up the Flour, Baking Powder and Salt. Put the onion rings in this mixture to coat. Once all the rings are powdered, put them aside and whisk in the milk and eggs into the flour mixture. Once properly mixed, dunk in your onion rings, make sure they all coat in the batter before taking them out and placing them aside to drip. In a shallow plate place your bread crumbs and put in the rings one at a time. Make sure the crumbs are properly attached to the rings. Put these in hot oil until they turn golden brown. Take them out to dry, and season with salt.
Tomato + Peanut Butter Dip

We all know having a good dip in your life is IMPORTANT! This dip is flavor on flavor trust me. In a blender put one cut up tomato and the tomato paste and add water. Blend till consistent and just slightly thick. You want it slightly thick not overly thick or runny even. Put your peanut butter and blend for a few minutes or so. Take this and put it in a pan. On low heat, let this simmer and add your onions. Add the vinegar and season with salt. Taste. Serve cool or hot.

Thank you for reading through, check out my previous posts as well fam.
Catch you next time.
Asante sana and Kwaheri.