Valentine's- cake, flowers and red shirts

Dearly Beloved,
Issanother post! (21 Savage voice). For all of you others who are not familiar with this rapper (probably because you are sixty years old and you thought this was a bridal blog where you could get all the information on how to look the part at your daughter's wedding, or maybe you thought this was that one-stop-shop for all things ruracio *consult the good guys over at Google, I can't fit that explanation in this already too long parentheses*) how do you do? Well now that we know what I think sexagenarians* do on the Internet (*and off to Google they go) , dearly beloved,let's get this show on the pot-holed road full of traffic and overlapping matatus and traffic cops doing their dance with gum-ended batons (applause for myself right there). Actually come to think of it, dearly beloved, Dearly Beloved isn't a shabby idea for a name, I mean it's no Beehive or Rihnavy (which I am all a religious part of, if I may add, also, if you don't know what those are, dude, you could use some serious Google in your life) but, yeah, Dearly Beloved sounds really cool. Imagine us meeting on one of those Social Media streets; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and you go all fan zone on yours truly, but being the FAMOUS blogger I am, I act all shocked and violated. I give you the 'who-are-you-and-why-are-you-all-up-my-virtual-personal-space' look over my cheap imitation sun glasses, all the while acting like I don't know you yet I have spent hours on your Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Google+ -yes, in that order- looking through your pictures and getting to know the family (hey Auntie Betty who lives abroad and has a mzungu husband and two dogs). When this virtual meeting of ours happens you just use the magic words, Dearly Beloved and BAM!, you are on my Instagram as I tell the rest of the internet (hashtags and all) how it was nice to meet you and how people like you are what keep me blogging every alternate Friday.
This is what I love about life, the spontaneity. One minute, I am judging old people who have internet access and the next I'm imagining life on the internet. Anyways, that was definitely not what I had in mind when I began laying the weight of my fingers on this keyboard today. So, Valentine's Day a.k.a Feast Day of St. Valentine is almost here. On Google they'll highlight it as Tuesday, February 14 Valentine's Day 2017. I'm sure on the day itself the 'GOOGLE' part of the search engine will be a GIF of hearts skipping around and doing random activities, so, you will honestly have no excuse of 'forgetting it's Valentine's day'.
Valentine's day is one of those days that gives me an excuse to wear my red, polyester shirt which I lie was expensive but in real sense was quite cheap. The other day I get to wear this shirt is during the Labour Day festivities (so random). From Monday, February 13 at 23:50 I will be eagerly looking at my watch and when the clock strikes 00:00, it is red shirt time! That reminds me,my watch is 7 minutes ahead of time, my phone too and all the other devices in my name are 7 minutes ahead. Do you know what this means? I live in my own world that is 7 minutes ahead of everyone else's. I am literally from the future. Think about it, I am at a cooking contest and we have to use our own watches to record the time when our meals are ready, I record 7:47 while my competitor with whom I stopped at the same time with, records 7:40, and we have to taste each other's food, I will go up to his/her stand carrying my plate in front of me symbolizing peace and say,
"I come in peace,I am from the future and I bring you Futuristic food."
 I will place this next to him/her and take two steps back so as not to appear menacing and wait for him/her to take it and taste it. After tasting I will say,
"may I have the great privilege of tasting food from the past?"
I will bow down in humility as I wait to be given Seven-minute-ago food. Or I can just adjust my watch to everybody's time and stop being such a douche. Also I really should stop thinking in a Peter Griffin voice (Family Guy), it makes me all the douchier. [sic]
Back to valentine's day, the roses, the chocolates, the cards, the red clothes etc. All of these are what makeup what I know as Val's. When I was younger, before the baritone (wishful thinking is my life companion) and the acne, I thought Val's was a public holiday and you know what public holiday meant; sleeping in till 10 am and eating toast mayai while watching Lion King or Shrek on a WEEKDAY! I still sleep in and wake up at 10 and eat toast mayai (which I know prefer to call French Toast #GrownUpThings)while watching Shrek, but not because of public holidays, no,no,no, it's called: 'Tertiary Level of Education'. That awkward phase in your life where you are expected to be mature and responsible, while your friends are making their own money and you are just there learning to use money right, learning to handle rejection and STIs and trying to beat deadlines on write ups and reports. Well, I think it suffices to say,I was constantly angry on Val's since we were 'forced' to come to school yet it was a 'public holiday' sigh, the joy of naivety, getting angry for trivial reasons.
Which brings me to rejection. There you are, sweaty, wide eyed, with dry lips close to cracking, your shirt has sweat patches on the underarms and your little facial hair is making you look unkempt, basically a moving ball of tension. You want to impress that girl you've been seeing around for ages but can't quite seem to build enough courage to talk to Her. However, today is a new day and it is the day you will ask Her out, so you do. There you are, young, gorgeous, body looking like milk and honey, eyeliner on point, Huddah lippie mdomoni, heels up to heaven and you trying to catch the eye of that guy who akina Sheila and Joyce also have their eyes on but you know you have to nyakua him first. You sit at the entrance hoping to catch a glimpse as he walks in and then, POUNCE. Hold on, what is this one doing? He thinks I have time to waste on him, he even has dry lips, Good God! Kwani what does he think I am? Asking me out like I am some cheap girl! I don't want to eat burnt chips and undercooked kuku at a crowded fast food joint on Valentines, shame on him. There you are, She turned you down, She even called you names and had Her friends laugh at you. The tickets you bought to that new movie showing at iMax now seem worthless. You call your friend Jaymo, he wasn't feeling well and even though She didn't accept your invitation, you don't want to waste the tickets which cost you good money. You will go watch the movie and after that,as you grab pints at your kaLocal, you tell Jaymo how it went and he tells you She has been following him masiku mob, but he has his eyes on Her friend, Sheila. He tells you that Joyce is really cool too and maybe you can ask her out instead. Val's comes, Joyce accepted, you had fun eating undercooked kuku and burnt chips at a crowded fast food joint. "She had her own plans", Joyce tells you and "Sheila is with Jaymo today". Joyce thinks you are funny and hopes you'll remain tight even after Val's. You take her to your crib and you give her this:

No recipe or method here today guys. Let your mind do the creativity thing and impress Joyce. Hint, Coffee flavoured carrot cake with galactic colour layering, Vanilla-Strawberry ripple Ice cream, mango and orange-petaled rose.

Thanks for reading and Thank you even more for sharing. Read my previous posts if you will.

Have a wonderful Val's dearly beloved,
Au revoir!