crEATive

Long post ahead, be warned. Dearly Beloved, long time no see! You know that awkward moment where, you meet someone you haven’t seen in ages and now you don’t know what to do with your hands? I mean, are you supposed to pocket them, fold them in front of your chest, pick your nose, place them on your lap (while standing) or hold your waist and start complaining of an aching back? At this point I think it is best I emphasize that in another life, I was a 53 year old woman with arthritis and varicose veins. So anyway, you and I are at that point and to salvage the situation, I will over compensate with endless chatter, dry jokes and good ol’ awkward word-usage. So how have things been on this side of the internet? Let me fill you in on what was going in my existence. So around May, I decided I was going to take a month-long sabbatical; read recipe books, watch random ‘Animals Doing Things’ videos on YouTube, answer your emails, listen to disturbing podcasts, add weight, follow peopl...

Let us all agree on one thing dearly beloved, body parts are the worst! They say, experience is the best teacher, I am not sure I know who 'they' are, but, I recently got a dose of good ol' experience. Body parts; you know that feeling when, you are just about to sneeze, I mean, you are literally on the verge of getting some nostril action (well technically, it's more of mouth action, but, no that's just disturbing), when for no apparent reason, your nostrils decide 'no, let me calm down instead, maybe even practise some meditation'. At that point ladies and gents, at that point, you seriously appreciate a good sneeze. I even go to the extent of looking for dust to get up in there just for sweet release. If that is not enough, picture this, you are at a requiem mass, some relative to the deceased is up there saying how mwenda zake was a nice chap, then, you remember that prank you pulled on your class prefect in highschool (which was eons ago), you start ...

April . April is a girl's name, April is a month. The French say Avril, that goes for both the girl and the month. April people are Aries. The goat. I love goats. I am an Aries. I am an April person. This April marks my twentieth year on this planet. It also marks the culmination of a solid two years of ADULTING. Actually, scrap that, it marks two years of having a National Identity Card. Two years of pretending to be getting the hang of all this adulthood business and maturity. Two years of writing things on this little corner of the internet I am proud to call ours. Two years of trying to figure out relationships; to have or not to have, school; to continue pretending I know what I am doing or to say, screw this, get on a bus to Mombasa and find myself an elderly mzungu woman. These and a whole lot more things. It's all chaotic really. They say, 'with age comes wisdom' and I agree. With age I have come to know what spots in town serve the best chipos , where to g...

The month of March is coming to a close. What do you have to show for this first quarter of 2017? I for one have quite a number. I have a new kid (Okay, he was born in February, at least I have a goat, jeez, get off my back). I swear Valentino has me feeling like DJ Khaled and Asahd. Puss gave us a litter of kittens, I mean, it's raining young ones over here! And finally, I grew another beard strand. Now here is where I have an issue. Some of us have facial hair deficiency or maybe we just happen to be slow beard-growers. People ask me why I stopped going to the barber's,well, let me tell you how it all went down. A beautiful sunny morning, I woke up feeling all middle-class and entitled. Yawned, drew the curtains, sent a shoutout to The Big Man in The Clouds and went looking for food to stuff in this hole in my face. Nutrition gotten? Good. Maybe I showered or I didn't, anyway I hopped on out to the kinyozi. There's something about the barber shop that sets it apar...

Dearly Beloved, You know how the oldies said something like life is a vicious cycle or life is a circle or whatever it was that those human beings we are named after said. The Buddhists believe in reincarnation. Now don't throw rocks at me or anything, I mean, yoga and meditation and finding your inner 'chi' works for some people but I tend to draw the line at reincarnation. Here's how I see it, you get your, say 70 (give and take) years dealing with human beings and paying rent and buying food and trying to afford clothing,then, Our Good God decides it's time you take a kaSabatical ; time to get yourself a little R'n'R (for the record I have no idea what R'n'R means and I am NOT going to google it) and you decide apana, lemme go back as a dog, a donkey, a hyena hehe, a monitor lizard (those ones that look like they can beat you up proper and they don't even fear rocks being thrown at them *cue Foundation by Daddy Owen and Papa Dennis #GOSPEL...

Dearly Beloved, Waddup! Howzit! Easy-Breezy-Lemon-Squeezy I hope (I know you are practically rolling your eyes at that Lemon squeezy thing). Valentine's Day came, went, people got dumped others got hitched, you know the good ol' Love Bug. Well, for yours truly, Valentine's Sunday was AMAZEBALLS!! (I am seriously not easing up on my 'millennial lingo' am I?) So, we all know I am in some serious possession of a couple of goats right? Sunday the 12th at around 8:30 pm, one of them gave birth to a BOUNCING BABY BOY. *Currently accepting congratulatory cards, MONEY, baby formula, MONEY, and if you find it suitable enough, MONEY (details will be below; post office, email address, bank account number etc) As you might have already guessed,we (the plural of I. That is :ME,MYSELF and I) named him Valentino (as if I would've named him anything else). Oh,he is a beautiful goat that one. We feed him from a bottle because his mother doesn't want him anywhere near t...

Dearly Beloved, Issanother post! (21 Savage voice). For all of you others who are not familiar with this rapper (probably because you are sixty years old and you thought this was a bridal blog where you could get all the information on how to look the part at your daughter's wedding, or maybe you thought this was that one-stop-shop for all things ruracio *consult the good guys over at Google, I can't fit that explanation in this already too long parentheses*) how do you do? Well now that we know what I think sexagenarians* do on the Internet (*and off to Google they go) , dearly beloved,let's get this show on the pot-holed road full of traffic and overlapping matatus and traffic cops doing their dance with gum-ended batons (applause for myself right there). Actually come to think of it, dearly beloved, Dearly Beloved isn't a shabby idea for a name, I mean it's no Beehive or Rihnavy (which I am all a religious part of, if I may add, also, if you don't know w...