crEATive

I recently began (and as at Friday August 18, 2017 01:23, completed) watching five episodes of Season 1 of the series going by the name, Lucifer . So, children, wanna hear what it’s all about? So, there’s this guy, he’s the devil, right, he comes to earth on ‘vacation’ and leaves hell without a chief punisher. Hollywood being, well, Hollywood, decided to make our good man here, a punisher on earth. He busts crime with a hot mama with a smashing jaw line and who had at one point in her life appeared in an R-rated movie (at least that’s what I gathered) that involved her taking her top off exposing what they termed as a rather formidable pair of knockers. Now, that was not the highlight of the whole thing, at least for me it wasn’t, the highlight was this: the devil has a brother, I mean all angels are practically brothers, notice the lack of gender equality there, all-male angel choirs, #CueTheFeminists. The brother comes to earth regularly not because he loves the humans sana , no,...

I have been on a camel only once in my life, well at least that’s how I remember it. I have probably had myself more than one of those pleasant rides. Here I use the word ‘pleasant’ rather loosely. You see, in my sole memory of camel rides, the experience is ANYTHING but pleasant. The caps are for drama. Here’s what I learnt from that single ride; PEER PRESSURE IS REAL. Peers in this context being my parents and their friends, who also happen to be parents. The irony is, these friends to my parents did not put their own spawn to such a harrowing, scarring, life-threatening (yes, I am exaggerating), depression-inducing experience. “ Oh-my-goodness, Allan, look, a camel! Wouldn’t you want to ride one? Oh I’m sure you do, come let’s ask your dad ,” said Parents’ Friend 1 (a lady) “… Baba Allan, si you just let your son have the time of his life on one of those camels, amesema anataka umlipie, ” she continued. NOTE: All through, nowhere has my input been considered, nowhere did they ...

Traffic, rain drops, heavy jackets and wet umbrellas. This is partly lyrics from a Migos song and partly my own mastery of the English language. Other features included; loud blaring music (the kind musicians advise parental guidance because of the content.) Scenario: *music playing on the stereo* *mother seated next to child as she guides child on how to listen to the music* ‘ first off f*** your crew and the clique you claim ’ *mother pauses the track, flips through the notes she had prepared for this musical session, looks at child in the eye and advises, ” When the F bomb comes on, I want you to put your fingers in your ears and make a BLEEP sound. Let’s practise.” * *mother rewinds the song and when it gets to the F bomb, they both put their fingers in their ears and make a BLEEP sound* *mother looks at child with so much pride knowing she has given her parental advice on how to enjoy music.* I sat next to the window, which is obviously my absolute favourite seat in a matatu....

In the beginning of the year I remember coming on here and complaining of how people had all these new year resolutions such as, saving more and getting that summer-body on. I complained because I am scum and cannot get over my inbred laziness and lose weight and as such I vent all of that on you my loyal, unfailing, supportive friends. Well, I am quite thankful for my laziness because I, unlike my ‘weight-loss-crazed’ friends have been coping pretty well in this nippy Nairobi weather. Sweaters? Jackets? Blazers? What are those? I am rather finely insulated. So, my friends, what say ye? Let us be insulated together. Look at me extending an olive branch to you focused human beings looking amazing on social media. Is it an olive branch? I don’t really think I am allowed to call it that, so let’s just call it a leaf, no specification, not a branch, just a leaf, I am extending a leaf to you focused human beings. I am of the belief that since you are already this deep into the post you ...

Long post ahead, be warned. Dearly Beloved, long time no see! You know that awkward moment where, you meet someone you haven’t seen in ages and now you don’t know what to do with your hands? I mean, are you supposed to pocket them, fold them in front of your chest, pick your nose, place them on your lap (while standing) or hold your waist and start complaining of an aching back? At this point I think it is best I emphasize that in another life, I was a 53 year old woman with arthritis and varicose veins. So anyway, you and I are at that point and to salvage the situation, I will over compensate with endless chatter, dry jokes and good ol’ awkward word-usage. So how have things been on this side of the internet? Let me fill you in on what was going in my existence. So around May, I decided I was going to take a month-long sabbatical; read recipe books, watch random ‘Animals Doing Things’ videos on YouTube, answer your emails, listen to disturbing podcasts, add weight, follow peopl...

Let us all agree on one thing dearly beloved, body parts are the worst! They say, experience is the best teacher, I am not sure I know who 'they' are, but, I recently got a dose of good ol' experience. Body parts; you know that feeling when, you are just about to sneeze, I mean, you are literally on the verge of getting some nostril action (well technically, it's more of mouth action, but, no that's just disturbing), when for no apparent reason, your nostrils decide 'no, let me calm down instead, maybe even practise some meditation'. At that point ladies and gents, at that point, you seriously appreciate a good sneeze. I even go to the extent of looking for dust to get up in there just for sweet release. If that is not enough, picture this, you are at a requiem mass, some relative to the deceased is up there saying how mwenda zake was a nice chap, then, you remember that prank you pulled on your class prefect in highschool (which was eons ago), you start ...

April . April is a girl's name, April is a month. The French say Avril, that goes for both the girl and the month. April people are Aries. The goat. I love goats. I am an Aries. I am an April person. This April marks my twentieth year on this planet. It also marks the culmination of a solid two years of ADULTING. Actually, scrap that, it marks two years of having a National Identity Card. Two years of pretending to be getting the hang of all this adulthood business and maturity. Two years of writing things on this little corner of the internet I am proud to call ours. Two years of trying to figure out relationships; to have or not to have, school; to continue pretending I know what I am doing or to say, screw this, get on a bus to Mombasa and find myself an elderly mzungu woman. These and a whole lot more things. It's all chaotic really. They say, 'with age comes wisdom' and I agree. With age I have come to know what spots in town serve the best chipos , where to g...